K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
