Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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