Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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