After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
