she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
