I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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