Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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