Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
