I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
