I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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