Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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