my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
