guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
