I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
false alarm. still invincible.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
