So drunk its hurt
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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