When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
