I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
