I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
