I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
