just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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