There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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