Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
