do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
