they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
