So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
