Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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