i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
