if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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