I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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