Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
