So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
