i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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