when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize