I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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