life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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