I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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