you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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