Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
