you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
