the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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