So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
