soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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