we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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