We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
