im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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