OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
