Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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