i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
