her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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