Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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