im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
