the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
