you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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