My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
