This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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