I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
