i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
