just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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