He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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