my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
