Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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