Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
