Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
