he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize