You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A+ Viking dick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
