in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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